So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
The uberlube is also flammable
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
