does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
