What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
