why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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