at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
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