I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
