I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
