I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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