Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
