Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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