today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
