So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
