She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
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no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
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I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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