You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
