omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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