the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
