My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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