I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
