if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
