I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
