Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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