While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
