Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
