i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
