oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
