I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
