i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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