Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Randomize
