I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
