Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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