The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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