I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
