My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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