i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
