First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
