Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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