you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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