Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize