oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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