I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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