living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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