I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
