Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
