I threw up into my coffee this morning.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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