So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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