It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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