there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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