the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You were trust falling into bushes
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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