i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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