so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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