I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
