I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
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I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
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You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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