I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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