My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
