She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
