Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
