So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
