I cut my penus on the lid.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
