I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
