My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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