so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
