Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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