i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
